"I feel pretty...ohhh so pretty" sung in the wrong key!

I want to walk into a store and just go crazy buying clothes! Ok, really what I want to do is look like a supermodel, not a waif one but a curvy one. Doesn't really matter as long as I can wear any pair of clothes I pick off the rack. Today I learned a great lesson in humility. Some clothes, no matter how cute and trendy they are, were not made for me. It took staring at myself in the changing room mirror to gasp and mouth the words "what was I thinking". Two armloads of clothes dwindled down to two pairs of pants, a sweater, a "everyone needs one" grey t-shirt, necklace, and purse. I felt a little bad about the purse. It was the last one in the store and it was marked down. It was also hanging on the hand of a maniquin. I'm sort of thinking she really does not need before mentioned handbag. I really want to wear some of my new gems but they will have to wait until the weekend due to our slightly repressive "shouldn't you be wearing a black abaya" teacher dress-code policy. *Shrug* rules are in place for a reason I suppose. Note to self - buy incredibly abnoxious shoes to silently protest before mentioned policy. I came home and fashioned my new wardrobe for my husband and he was dazzled. I then proceeded to *gasp* clean myself up a bit. I am actually contemplating highlights in my hair. I put on a necklace my husabnd gave me a year ago when he returned from Indonesia. I asked him how he liked it. He responded "it's nice". I then raised an eyebrow and asked "you gave me the necklace (insert foot tapping) don't you remember." He turned away from the computer and said "ohh is that the one that I gave you when we first got married?" I laughed a bit and reminded him that this is the necklace his sister probably told him to buy for me on his last trip. I don't really understand. I mean he can't get confused aboutthe small handful of jewelry he has showered...err I mean tossed my way.

Growing Pains

8 years old. That is how old I feel as a Muslim. I had the opportunity to share my story of reversion with about 25 girls today. It was really quite amazing. We started out making dhikr and a story about Adam (as). The girls ranged in age from 8-22. And what amazed me most is that so many of them had questions after I was finished. They are so bright and really excited about Islam. I think as Muslims we have an incredible opportunity with these children. Inshallah it is my sincere prayer that my daughters will desire to actively participate in their community like these girls. One girl asked me if I ever once regretted my decision to become Muslims. I honestly had to sit and think about it for a few moments before giving an answer. I really thought about the last eight years and I truly believe that I have never regretted my decision. Rather , I explained to the girls that I miss the feeling I had as a new Muslim. The curious and exhilarating feeling one has when they learn something new for the first time. Every time I would learn a new Surah or understand a concept in Islam I felt the jubilation that a child feels when they stand for the first time. The whole world was perceived through a different lens. One in which I could, and I would, be victorious. However, as time past I felt the shaky uneasiness of doubt. Not doubt in belief but rather doubting my own capabilities. Isn't that what a child does as they grow older? Maybe the emergence of doubt is what preserves us. It stops us from doing foolish things that could cause us harm. Maybe I am confusing doubt with cause and effect. I know there must have been a pivotal moment in my life when I stopped sailing down "suicide mountain" on my bike with my feet out to the side (in those days the breaks were connected to the pedal)because I doubted I would make it to the bottom in one piece. *Heavy Sigh* Now I am beginning to believe that doubt and fear are close friends. Maybe this is all just a matter of semantics. When does one cross the line from positive doubt, the doubt that allows us to cautiously proceed forward, and the dibilitating doubt that keeps us fixed in one place. I will have to revisit this thought after I make a trip to the mall for a new pair of shoes. When it comes to shopping there is little doubt.