Growing Pains

8 years old. That is how old I feel as a Muslim. I had the opportunity to share my story of reversion with about 25 girls today. It was really quite amazing. We started out making dhikr and a story about Adam (as). The girls ranged in age from 8-22. And what amazed me most is that so many of them had questions after I was finished. They are so bright and really excited about Islam. I think as Muslims we have an incredible opportunity with these children. Inshallah it is my sincere prayer that my daughters will desire to actively participate in their community like these girls. One girl asked me if I ever once regretted my decision to become Muslims. I honestly had to sit and think about it for a few moments before giving an answer. I really thought about the last eight years and I truly believe that I have never regretted my decision. Rather , I explained to the girls that I miss the feeling I had as a new Muslim. The curious and exhilarating feeling one has when they learn something new for the first time. Every time I would learn a new Surah or understand a concept in Islam I felt the jubilation that a child feels when they stand for the first time. The whole world was perceived through a different lens. One in which I could, and I would, be victorious. However, as time past I felt the shaky uneasiness of doubt. Not doubt in belief but rather doubting my own capabilities. Isn't that what a child does as they grow older? Maybe the emergence of doubt is what preserves us. It stops us from doing foolish things that could cause us harm. Maybe I am confusing doubt with cause and effect. I know there must have been a pivotal moment in my life when I stopped sailing down "suicide mountain" on my bike with my feet out to the side (in those days the breaks were connected to the pedal)because I doubted I would make it to the bottom in one piece. *Heavy Sigh* Now I am beginning to believe that doubt and fear are close friends. Maybe this is all just a matter of semantics. When does one cross the line from positive doubt, the doubt that allows us to cautiously proceed forward, and the dibilitating doubt that keeps us fixed in one place. I will have to revisit this thought after I make a trip to the mall for a new pair of shoes. When it comes to shopping there is little doubt.